I have had worse days!

So after an 8 month lull in running (mostly all due to physical ailments) I decided to do a 3 mile race on Sunday.

I wasn't fooling anyone, let alone myself. I knew it would hurt. I knew my time would stink. But I needed to get back out there. I needed to jump start my running anything physical to get me back into good shape again. I have packed on 10+ pounds and I am not a happy camper about it.

So back in January I signed up for the Wild Rover Series again. It's all about the bling and this year, I still wanted the medals, but I also knew I needed the additional motivation.

2012 Race Bling

Bev joined me and this was her first race ever. She just kind of stood back and took it all in. She isn't one bit competitive and I tried to explain she didn't need to be. Races can be for fun and camaraderie. At least that's how I see it. I am competitive with me, but that's about it.

I was quite worried screwing up my heel with the plantar fasciitis that isn't quite 100% better. So I was really careful. A couple of twinges during the 3 miles, but I took my time going up and coming down hill. Shins held up well. In the end, Bev greeted me at the finish line (she kicked my arse) and she was all smiles. I may just get her hooked on these things (and having the race proceeds going to good causes always helps too).

I grabbed an ice cold beer and we were the last of the folks to get a free cup of delicious chili! Oh, and yes, I got the first part of the 3 piece race bling. The race directors are doing it differently this year were you really have to earn the largest medal by having to do the Hynes 5 miler in Lowell. I suppose that makes sense and it creates an even bigger sense of accomplishment when you can complete the medal with the two smaller ones (and smaller races).

After stripping off some of the damp clothes, Bev and I sauntered over to the The Tap for a delicious lunch. Downtown Haverhill seems really nice and we will need to visit it over the warmer months.

Some post race notes: Hardly any pain to speak of. I thought I wouldn't be able to even move come Monday morning, but I was fine. Heel burned a little bit throughout the work day, but it wasn't debilitating. I found Bev's near finish line race pic. If she could have been in a pair of shorts and t-shirt, I am sure she would have been. As for my near finish race pic...it is non-existent. I suppose was too slow and near the end of the pack to even get a mug shot. :-(  I guess that will make me a little bit competitive for the 4 miler in Lawrence this coming Sunday.

Then and now and stuff in-between

When I started this blog, I was in the middle of a crisis. Actually, a pretty dark and cold tunnel of a crisis. You know the ones -- clammy-feeling, musty smelling, light-sucking, just get me out of here, tunnels. Emotionally, I dropped off the face of the earth to so many people. It was just that painful and I had to do everything to stay "here enough" to earn a living to pay the bills and have a roof over my head. My thread, my lifeline, if you will, was my blogs, Facebook and the DailyMile. I knew enough that I needed some kind of social connection.

At the same time, I also knew I needed to take care of myself and that's why I embarked on the intense physical fitness routine and watching every caloric morsel hitting my lips. A little OCD? Maybe. But at least I wasn't running from the pain. In fact, I was running straight into it, hair ablaze, arms flailing and all. Looking back, I am quite proud of myself. Dealing with the emotions was beyond anything I could do but I did deal with it. And because of the intensity of my running and biking, the weight loss was steady, it kept me from smoking (YES!, still smoke free since June of 2010) and it brought back the self-confidence I so desperately needed.

And something else changed: a lot of the self-defeating chatter in my head started to diminish. It wasn't totally gone, but for the first time in my life, I actually needed a "hearing-aid" to hear it. I started to see where a lot of things were “born”, if you will. Some of it has been easy to accept because it makes sense. Some of it I still struggle with.

Dr. B

The reason I make note of all this is because even though I have gained some weight back (less than 10 lbs), I am not beating myself up and calling myself a failure like I have in the past. Am I disappointed? Yes. But I also know that some of the weight gain was due to my injuries. I also wanted/needed to give my attention to a promising relationship that was unfolding with Bev. Of course, that entailed dinner dates and “oh what the heck” decadent desserts, etc. Those extra carefree calories added up and then started latching on to my hips…

Fortunately, Bev, being a runner and a doctor, understands completely what it takes to get back to the “badass” (as reader Meg puts it – thanks Meg, I love it), both mentally, emotionally and physically. So I have her full support on eating right and tending to my injuries properly. Where she and I differ is she uses running to achieve a deep meditative state. For me, I use running (exercise in general, actually) to get my ADHD mind to track two or three things at once, instead of 5 or 6.

So that’s where I am at. Not exactly starting over, but I am not where I was 6 months ago. In the grand scheme of things, I am exactly where I want and need to be in the pursuit of true happiness. Now I am just fine tuning and living the dream …

Well, hello, 2012!

July 17th...

My last blog post.

That was a long time ago. From the respect of my last work out, my last mischievous night out with friends, my last time that my body wasn't fighting some kind of pain, it seems like eons.

But from the perspective that my heart doesn't hurt anymore, that I do have the ability to move on in life, that my future can be all that I dreamed it could be, July 17th seems like just a few weeks ago.

So much has happened from the perspective of the glass half full side, it's hard for me to remember that I used to believe that the glass could go empty.

Although the order on how things transpired for me was not exactly textbook, I have still arrived at the place that I need and deserve to be. I used my own map I suppose (and as many would say, that is not unusual for me). I chose not to use the breadcrumb trail as my "just in case" safety net, because there is no good reason to trace back to all the pain and loss. My map, push pinned with events and markers, will be forever etched in my heart, but never to be used again. My path is of my own doing because I need to discover new things. And some of it is serendipity because my mind and heart is open to that sort of thing. But all of it is perfect. On the sidelines stood my friends, family and therapist cheering me on.

In late July, at the Folk Festival, I met a wonderful person who I made a near instant connection with. It was truly a chance encounter because this person, like many of the other thousands of people that traveled from all over to attend the festival, was from a great distance away. Lots of things in common: running, hiking, travel, age, appreciation of nature -- all "surfacey"stuff. And from the deeper, softer and vulnerable under belly side of life, our hearts and minds share the ideas of Buddhism, emotional depth, heartbreak, intelligence, honesty and truth in self. On the flip side, there are plenty of differences that leave us discovering something new whenever we are together (and even when we are not).

The challenge has been the issue of it being a long distance relationship, something I have had no experience at. It presents interesting hurdles, particularly in the test of communication (and believe me, it has been tested), but I believe it has made me more aware of the words I choose since inflection in emails and text messages can't be used.

I feel happy, blessed and in love. Thank you, Bev, for being more than enough. More than I ever thought was possible and dared to dream of. Your compassion, intelligence and thoughtfulness truly has no bounds and I am thrilled we both took a chance on things when we both have experienced a lot of ill.

So the summer surprise presented me the major change in my life. Soon it will be 6 months and it feels like it was yesterday.

Next has been my photography, which from my perspective, I have had a great deal of success in the recognition, improvement and actually selling of my craft. I have been actively honing my skills through online webinars and have had the opportunity to add to my coveted equipment list through some savings and generous x-mas gifts.

I added a family member: a 14 month old cat. Ceeatee is a long haired, solid black cat that I got from the local shelter. I should call her "love bug", because that's all she is...13 lbs of bug! She keeps me amused and I couldn't ask for a better personality in a pet.

I was not aware of the problem of black cats and the lack of "adoptability", if you will. Seems as though a lot of folks are superstitious. I have suffered no omens or bad luck so perhaps she will be my good luck charm instead!

I have been somewhat successful at being aware of my food consumption despite everything that has changed for me. I have gained some weight back mainly due to the fact that I had to stop working out (running) because of the ankle/lower leg injuries. But with the new year, I need to get back in the swing of things. So I have signed up for the "Wild Rover Series" and I am have also registered for the IronGirl in Clearwater in April. 4 races in the next 3.5 months. That should get me back to where I want to be (and need to be).

In the end, I am happy to usher in a new year. Looking back, 2011 was a very good year with lots of firsts for me. And I truly believe 2012 will be stellar. The possibilities seem endless and I hope the same goes for all of you.

Happy New Year everyone!

Nerves shot...

Okay, the Womens World Cup is making me crazy to where I can't watch it without wanting to gnaw on my fingernails, eat 1/2 gallon of chocolate ice cream or drink a 6 pack of beer.

All the choices are not good for me, so I decided to put up my Allied Medal sign that arrived yesterday while I listened to the game. For some reason, that makes it easier to take in the game

And here is what my new decor item looks like  

"Avoiding DNF"

It's totally fun. Avoid that DNF! In case anybody is wondering, there is a 13 character limit to these signs (that includes spaces). I would have liked to have gone with "Avoiding A DNF" but I couldn't. I might not have a lot of medals, but they all have a special meaning and deserved to be honored.

Okay, so in this short entry, the USA has scored going up 2-1. This game is making me go

Wacko!

Yes, this is a beer. I have 3 of 'em in my fridge. Really close to popping one open....

EDIT: Even though Japan ultimately won the World Cup, the US Womens Team has everything to be proud of. If there was a team that I would like to see the US lose to, if it had to be, then Japan was my ideal choice. The country has had a devastating year and anything to help the country heal its wounds, then I am all for it. We had the world supporting the US 10 years ago so there is no reason why we can't reciprocate... Congrats Japan!

"Ham-a" Time - Inaugural BAA 10K - Race Report

Here is my race report for the BAA 10K held on June 26th in Boston.

I will be honest, I didn't want to run this. I had signed up for it on May 4 with all the right intentions. But as the month of May progressed, my left shin was getting worse in the pain category. May 25th was the last day a ran a single mile. That made the 10K the first time I would run in 30+ days. During that 30 day span, I did continue to ride the bike for endurance, but obviously there is a difference.

Dailey Miler Michelle V.

But since I had paid $55 for the race registration and I needed to do it. I think also, the reason I tried to talk myself out of it was because it was my first 10K ever. And I had some butterflies and fear of failure for the longer than normal distance.

So I was up at 4:30, out the door at 6:00 and on the Boston Common at 7:15.

While waiting with 4000 other runners on the Common, I just happened to look up and there was my fellow DailyMiler friend, Michelle V, walking right by me. The first and last time I saw her was the first week of March at the Lowell 5 miler. So it was a pleasant surprise. Because the odds of running into someone I knew were so slim, I knew it was meant to be.

Thumbs up for the finish line!

Michelle and I decided to run together since we had very close mile paces. This was the first time I have run a single mile with anyone, including non-race miles. And it was quite nice actually despite the 95% humidity and a right leg that was letting me know that the bone bruise injury I suffered from 4 weeks prior was not quite healed.

The miles did go by quickly. Water stops at each mile. I would grab a water to drink and one to splash over me. Cheering spectators lined the entire race route which was exceptionally nice too.

Ham-a time

I was a total ham for the finish line camera. And I didn't care. I have learned that each race I have done this year (this was #8) there has been an absolute special meaning for me. This one was a distance challenge. Not the greatest time, but I did it. I got it done.

The BAA had a great after run spread with fresh fruit, granola, bagels, water and power drinks. There was also a band and plenty of vendors. Unfortunately, I couldn't partake in the festivities because I had to race back to Lowell to get my artwork out of the gallery. But I did manage to grab a lot of the food items and a couple of waters for the ride home.

All in all, I am glad I ran this and I am especially glad I got to run it with a friend. Thanks Michelle!

Bling, bling

Ain't life a b!7#h

So I am grumpy. And you need to let me be grumpy. Even just for a minute.

I only have ran 13.6 miles since May 11th. Yep, 13.6 measly miles. Just barely a 1/2 marathons worth of pavement kissing miles.  Not because I don't want to, but all due to injury.

As you know, I was plagued with a left shin problem. To the point that I thought it might be a stress fracture. So after my May 11th run, I decided it was best to really give it a rest and see if I could get it to heal 100%. Everything was going as planned. I was still putting the miles in via my bike and I was doing some weight training to keep up the variety. The left shin was finally really healing.

Then on May 20th, I had my emergency toolbox (about 15lbs) fall out of my vehicle and onto my right shin. I knew as soon as it happened it was gonna be a goose egg. And it was. But I decided to give it a week or two before I attempted to run on it.

In the end, I went an entire 5 weeks before running on it and then ran the BAA 10K. That was June 26th. And I am so paying for that 10K. I totally aggravated the piss out of my right shin that the whole thing is radiating pain, like a severe shin splint and it is swollen. And I am pissed. I fought with the treadmill blues all winter long just fantasizing about running outside in warm to hot weather and it looks like the whole summer is going to go by before I can get another mile in.

Arrgghh. I can start to feel my clothes fit different, I have had to cut back on certain foods and I can say that stress is getting to me quicker. I am gonna have to do more biking I suppose. I'd walk more, but it even hurts to walk at this point.

Okay, I am done with that.

For now.

On to something a little funny. I reread my blog post from July 3rd and I came up with a great idea for the race medals I am accumulating. What I said in that post was that I was not racing for placing or for speed, but racing to avoid a "DNF". That's when I said to myself "Avoiding DNF". I scooted on over to Allied Medal Displays and created a custom medal display that looks like this

I should be getting it in a week or two. It was expensive, but I figure it beats the system I have right now (thumb tacks into the wall!) And I can splurge just a little.

I think it's so appropriate. Of course, one has to know what "DNF" is (for those who don't, it's a race term for "Did Not Finish"). And that is exactly what I am doing. In so many different aspects of my life, especially in the last year or so, I have been avoiding the "DNF". I avoid the DNF by not quitting. I avoid it by believing in me. I avoid it by putting other peoples hurtful words that have been said to me in the trash. I will always cross that finish line, no matter how difficult the course is. I will always carry me through. I will always finish as a champion, as a warrior. I just will not quit.

Queue in the "Rocky Steps" scene...

Okay, I am done. This has been another menopausal moment. Thanks for tuning in!

Have a super terrific weekend everyone!

;-)

Well, isn't that special

For the last week, I have been thinking about the fact that I am coming up to the year anniversary of this blog. And I have been wondering what I might say if I was to commemorate it.

You know of course that I could not not recognize it. Because then I would be ignoring something that I consider to be an extension of me, and my readers and commenters who embrace my silliness (thank you). That's not who I am now. A year ago, I could have easily ignored me, like I have done for so long in my life, and put everyone else's needs ahead of mine. That has changed. Now I do put "me" in the equation. I realize I must take care of me first before I can take care of anyone else. It doesn't mean I am selfish like I used to think it was. It just means I am better at being in the moment with others if I have made sure that my needs have been met.

A year ago I was quite a mess, really. I knew everything I needed to do, but to sort through the spaghetti noodles of emotions was nearly impossible on my own. So I enlisted the help of the best therapist (I swear to the universe, she is) and she has truly become a life coach of sorts for me. Menopause can be a bitch for some women. Combine it with PTSD and it kicked my friggin' ass to Timbuktu.

I was so lost that I thought being "up the creek" might have been a better alternative

I have discovered so many cool things about me and I am in such a better place now because I understand me better. With my therapists help, I understand the false belief systems I had, how they molded me and where they came from. And I am learning on how I can break down those belief systems. As I tear down a crippling belief system, so many doors open up. I can feel the fresh air of opportunity sweep me away. It's an awesome feeling.

This blog is mainly about physical health and fitness. I knew that I would never place in a race because I have never been a fast runner. It's not my goal. I just have slow twitch muscles. But I do have a lot of endurance (mainly because I hate quitting). So my goal is to avoid a "DNF". I knew I would never bike race because I have a fear of really getting hurt (did anybody see Saturday's Tour de France bike pileup? Yeah, no thanks...).



But I do love going fast, fast, fast on the bike trail. So I just try to break my fastest time on the trail or set a new personal MPH record (which is 26.2).  I knew that I could lift some heavy duty weights for a woman, but I am not doing it to get "ripped". I just want to maintain my strength and bone density so I can remain highly active as I get older (and still be wearing a bikini at the age of 70+)

I am doing the variety of physical fitness things because 1) I lost 35 lbs in the last year and I want to keep it that way (and I am still slowly losing) 2) I never want to smoke another cigarette (I have been smoke free for 14 months ~ not one, even when I have had too many adult beverages) 3) I feel so much more confident about myself now that I look and feel fitter 4) I am absolutely convinced that exercise contributes greatly to a better emotional and mental health state 5) It does natural (and I feel measurable) wonders for menopause 6) I actually achieved the goal of being in a size 6 or smaller for a whole year! (half kidding about that one...) 7) The variety of physical fitness activities is a huge secret ingredient in the success of weight-loss, especially for someone like me with ADHD 8) I love feeling superior...



LOL! JUST KIDDING! REALLY!

I cannot tell you how many people have told me that I look younger and look happier in the last month or so. But it's true. I feel it. I can see it. I feel the worst of the storm is finally over. That isn't to say that there won't be occasional showers and I am sure a hurricane will track right over me. But I have my weather predicting tools, I have my periwinkle rain boots and I have my storm shelter with a rock solid foundation now to provide me the best protection to get to the next sunny day.


So I would like to thank you, my blog readers and commenters, because you have been in integral part to this whole process. You have been part of the healing. I always look forward to the comments, your insights and most of all, your humor. We are all in this together and you all make the path so much sweeter to walk.


Happy Anniversary!